To all those who contributed to this mood. Watch. me. care.

I'm so tired. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck me. But that already happened. Heh. I'm sick of being vilified for caring. Stop punishing me for giving a shit about you. Stop fighting me for fighting on your side. Stop the silence, it's robbing me of my purpose. Stop looking confused when you hit me and it takes me a while to clamber back to my feet. Stop the careless words that you must on some level know how they cut because if the situation was reversed? Stop using me. Verbal punchbag. Housewife. Fuck. You. You come to me for help, then get angry when I do. Stop getting confused when I end up a quivering mess because... Because. I've always told people to not give up at the first hurdle, to keep their goal in mind. Well right now I can't see the goal, I can't harness my mind, and the entire thing is a series of hurdles and I can't think beyond the next couple of hours, or days. What the hell. All my advice in the past lauding strength and perseverance? How about we go for the complete opposite, complete reverse. The path of destruction. What happens when you stop caring? Don't appologise, don't feel guilty, don't eat, drink loads of alcohol, end up crying and hitting things or dealing with things you don't want to. Take drugs, punch a friend, betray a friend, fuck someone you know likes you and don't talk to them again. Stop excusing the fact that you're acting like a cunt. Stop letting me excuse the fact that you're acting like a cunt. Stop it. Stop thinking. Stop feeling. I wish I could, but instead I sit here waiting for the next punch and doing nothing to defend myself except try and harden my walls, but you all keep tricking me into lowering my guard. So you got what you wanted, got what you came for. Are you done yet? Can i sleep for a while? Can this end for a while. Don't look at me all concerned. Stop prescribing things. It's not good. It's not bad. It's just a girl sitting in a corner tryingnot to cry. I'm sick of waiting on others, waiting for things to be just right for them, waiting for them to fall again, waiting til the next time i need to pick up the pieces. I keep thinking...maybe i should do something for myself for once. Maybe I should say what i want for once. But then that poses the question, what do i want? I want people to be okay, i want...I want to stop feeling, I want to stop thinking, I want to stop revolving aroundall this crap, watching other people's moods so that when they...whatever...i can...whatever. I want someone to want to be around me rather than just thinking they owe it to me. I want to know where I stand, i want to know how i can be so easily discarded, i want to know why, i want to know what it is that is lacking in me, i want to stop this selfish rant but i'm not sure i care enough anymore for that, I want to stop crying, i want either to be strong enough to sort myself out and look after myself and be my own jurisdiction or someone to look after me, just for an instant. I want to know what that feels like. I've spent so long on the edge of tears and now they just wont stop, and they see me falling to pieces and look worried and are silent and a part of me is giggling because they have no clue as to what to do, because I'm the one who always knows what to do and now?Don't ask me if i'm okay, I have nothing to compare it to. I don't know anymore. I have no idea who I am anymore.