The right decision

Kathy wants to see me, we've arranged to meet on Monday at 5. So many people who care about me, I somehow seem to have earned the love and loyalty of so many amazing people. I ended up crying at Kathy's! So far I've spent Monday and Thursday with Rebekah and Euganie - Spetch and Luke visited Rebekah's on Thursday too, then after I had my spine crunched I went to Spetch's. Sitting at his windowsill talking, incense in the air, this time round it was me fractured and not sure where to turn. Some of my stories made him laugh, some of them made him angry and indignant. It's a good job the stories are edited, else I'm sure there would be rage too.There is an odd peace I find at Rebekah's. It's neither so fierce and all-encompassing as my woods,or as mentally grounding as at Spetchs, but...even though running round after an incredibly active 1 year old should by rights be exhausting...it's not. It's nourishing in ways I can't describe but I think people will understand anyway.With everything invested into the wellbeing and love of someone so totally innocent, so totally dependant, so totally precious - it's peaceful. Nothing matters but Euganie.Someday I will be a mother.It's...odd to think that had I not, I could be. A relief and a sadness all at once.What of where I've been for the past few months? The sense that I've made the right decision strengthens daily here. I tried to pretend I was okay with the way things were - after all, what did I matter? What did my pain matter when others had been through so much. Surely it was selfish to want soemthing else, selfish to be hurt?But I wasn't okay with it, and altruism only gets you so far, and staying true to myself is the better course, the only course I should consider. Because the way I was going was destroying me. I had no worth, and trust you I do, but not with that. There are things I hope you've forgotten, that I've made myself overlook, that I won't mention to anybody. But they're there and they prey on me even now. The only thing I can do for that is to watch.I'll give anything to make you okay. Even myself. But if I don't stay true to myself, then I am not myself, and I have not myself to give. So I have to deny myself and deny you to be able to be anything, have any worth or self respect, and aid you at all. And I am so much better than what I became recently, so much stronger than that. Events? People? I shape them. Not the other way round. Circumstance and events are mine to craft, people aren't reliable enough to make things okay. Why should I, how dare I look to others to make things okay? I took their advice, sat back, watched things fall apart instead of investing myself into making them better, and guess what? They got worse. Their advice was well-intentioned but it was wrong, and I need to remember that I am the only reliance I need.You need to listen to this. You need to heed this. You need to follow your own guidelines. Don't let others set them for you. You set yourself something to do. So do it. It gets easier after the first time. Trust me it does. Because right now you won't do anything, you wont take action to fix yourself unless someone else tells you to do it. These are your battles to fight, not mine. And tired from the fight, I'm also tired of your anger when I hold you up, tired of your meekness, your placidity, when you'll just lie down and take whatever you're given.Yes, it would be...amazing, to be able to look to someone else to make things okay. I would love to be protected, looked after, cherished. But it's a dream, and a foolish dream at that, for one such as me. It's a dream I won't pander to anymore.For we are not equals.And romance? Will remain a treasured notion, a protected dream. Is all.There is no-one stronger than me. There is no-one more capable of shaping events around me than me. Well, perhaps there is one. But he is out of the equation.So you'll find me changed, I hope. Less fractured. You all will. But don't presume to tell me what I am, for I know it better than you know yourselves.In that, I know I always over-estimate my strength. If you think I'm falling, I probably have been for a while. If you think I need looking after, you're probably right. Just don't let me know that you're looking after me. You'll get no-where if you do.I...have finished what I need to say. For now.I just hope that you're okay.