Retract, retreat

I need...something.I'm finally getting the rest I've needed for a while - I've admitted defeat. Those that have consumed all my energy these past few...months? Depends how far back you trace this exhaustion. They've given me some space. And yet I've been so ensnared for so long my thoughts keep bending trowards them.I need me.I need to rediscover what and who I am.I am open, fragmented. Pieces of my soul on display for all to see. I need to retract, retreat. Isn't that what comes with defeat? Regroup, regather to tend wounds and form new plans. The ground I stand on in me is smaller now, but it's just as strong as it's ever been. Tried to soften me and i suppose for a while it worked.I need to discover a worth in myself that is not based on what I am to others, not based on what I can provide. I've spent a long time convincing others that worth is not measured by the mind, that love and friendship has no reason for it, it just is given without price or cost. And it's true, true of others. But of me? I need to realise that in myself.I'm so old now. So old. I look back even two, three months ago and I can feel a familier contempt for myself, for my ignorance, for how I mishandled situations so badly. Learning curve i suppose, and things worked out well enough, but I could have done better.I know where I need to go now, I know what I need to do to reinforce myself.For one who once hated exile I almost crave its solitude now.I listened to my body, slept til it had enough, and woke up gone 2 pm. Missed MedSoc unfortunatly, but hopefully will be able to train next week. Need to get my arms and shoulders used to carrying sword and sheild. am trying to consider if I would like to progress to chainmail someday, but will leave that alone for a while and play it by ear.

There is something fundamentally wrong with me

There is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Miscommunication

You know, miscommunication is a terrible thing.Somehow though, although for some reason I had little doubt, things have sorted themselves out. I know more about myself now. He knows more about himself now.And it was necessary. This whole past week has been necessary, painful as it's been. This past week pushed me to the point where I doubted myself, realised that I couldn't cope, exhausted me emotionally. It made me ask for help, made me (kinda) admit defeat.And what did it achieve? With everything spiralling out of control and people I love removed from my protection?I think it made them realise that I was taking on their problems too much, made them just as fiercely determined to protect me, made them stand on their own feet. I have issues ceding responsibility back to them, but I have no choice so I will learn to be okay with it.First Mandy this week, then Cash - laying down the line, saying they won't let me deal with all their problems. And at the time it felt like I had failed, but actually, maybe I've succeeded? Helped them when they most needed it but now they realise they can help themselves? I'm shocked, shocked and surprised how many people rallied around me when I needed it.And grateful, never think that I'm not. The friendships we've built are so important, and I get so scared when that's threatened which is why I took this...schism so hard. They've only known me long enough to see me annoyed at Kate, but what they don't realise is that it never really got more than annoyance at Kate, but I was furious at the situation and that it wasn't fixed. They never saw how bad I got with a fall-out a while ago, when the anger went stale.This problem had to get sorted as soon as possible - i saw what it was doing to my head and my judgement, I was scared of what it could be doing to his, and I wanted the Ball to go well, as we've been looking forward to it since Harry told us about it a week into first term. Also, with my guests this weekend, one of who was sure to fall into my corner, I was determined that there would be no corner to fall into. Plus there's too many similarities and opportunities for you two geek about to pass up on.And now it is sorted, and I can't really articulate how relieved I feel. Things feel like they're slotting back into place, how they were meant to be.Heh, no-one said growing up was going to be this painful.I don't know how long we spoke in the pub, but it was certainly longer than an hour, and then we went back to mine, sprawled on my bed for lack of chairs and it was gone 2 by the time we stopped talking.Just...a request. To everyone. Appreciated as it is, please don't try to protect me. If you start treating me different just tell me. I over-think things and invariably end up confused and misreading things. My protection lies in my own physical strength and the trust I put in my friends.And it's a good job I'm Kantian at the core, even if a can temper it with Utilitarianism. You know who I'm talking to.Please don't give up. I think giving up would make you permanently unhappy, rather than just the temporary unhappiness that happens when thigns go wrong. Yes, letting people in hurts both parties, but shutting people out hurts more.Either way, we hashed through everything, re-pledged our friendship, and now things can go back to normal.Or as normal as things get around here.This is a new me.A softer me, I recognise that, because the visageI carried for the past few days has fitted awkwardly at best and was a struggle to maintain, and slipped away easily enough.Friend. That word is insufficient for what it means, words are important but this one is more symbolic than most. We discussed last night the difference between superficial friends and real friendships. Only my head doesn't really like superficial friendships, the depth and the self-knowledge that real friendships provide - yes, they hurt more when they go wrong, but they rarely go wrong for reasons that can't be fixed, and the benefits of real friendships by far outweigh the potential for pain.You know what, this isn't going to become an essay on the nature of friendship, ifI can be bothered i'll do that some other time.Cash, I'm not prepared for either of us to go through this again on the strength of miscommunication. It hurts and it's silly.The awful thing is,I know it wouldn't have reached that bad, certainly not that quickly, if I hadn't had it with everything else as well. But I can't say for certain it wasn't going to happen - maybe it's best that it hit me when i was already down, everythign at once, so that it could break cleaner and heal better?Meanwhile,I have some work to get on with, laundry to do, recipes to consult, a stupid amount of chicken to roast and the Fetish Ball to prepare for!This song doesn't quite summarise my mood last night before things got sorted. But it's close enough.Tool; SchismI know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall awaymildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motiondisintegrating as it goes testing our communicationthe light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us sowe cannot see to reach an end crippling our communicatioooon. I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble downno fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire topoint the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communicatioooon.The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,And the circling is worth it.Finding beauty in the dissonance.There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our covetingI've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communicatioooon.cold, cold, cold,Cold silence haaaasa tendency toooo atrophy anyyyyy sense of compassiooooon.between supposed loverrrsbetween supposed brotherrrrrs.(I know the pieces fit. 7x)I know the pieces fiiit!

Not quite Killer Kate

Bless Laura, she got so worried about me she tried phoning and couldn't get through so rang my mum.News from home....Laura says:heeellllotalk to me ur favourite little blondei have big news about killer kateCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:heyahow's things going? and what about Kate? i missed her call the other dayLaura says:she speaks!last night steve drage turned up to karate...and everyone was playing one of kates games...Could I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:yeah?how did that go, lol?Laura says:and steve tried to scissor sweep kate and he fell on his back, didnt breakfall and took kates feet out in the process..she just fell down with all her weight on to her knees onto steveCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:hang on, Killer Kate wasn't a literary thing was it?Laura says:miguel went with him to hospital and i got a text this morning saying that he had broken ribs and that his left lung collapsed which they have now inflated by putting a tube inCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:FUCK!that will heal okay, but fuck!Laura says:apparently he stood up after the incident and said oh i think ive winded myself and then fell down clutching his chest in pain so i think people may have thought he was having a heart attack but luckily he wasntCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:how is Kate taking it?Laura says:she was blaming herself a bitbut it does sound like ther wasnt much she could do about the situation

The truth (partly)

You know what? Screw other people's feelings, this post is unlocked. I feel guilty about it but I've got to pose the question 'What about my feelings?'Don't I deserve the same amount of respect as I give others? I would no way in hell stand for any of my friends to be treated like this, so why should I put up with being treated like this myself?I'd lost all respect for myself, but thankyou Spetch, you made me realise I do deserve respect.I wish it didn't feel like Harry has just fought my battles for me, but I think he has and I'm intensely grateful and know I should get over the 'I stand alone' mentality that it's taken me a lifetime to cultivate. Harry's able to say things I never could because I'm too damn concerned with hurting other people's feelings. When Harry was getting angry on my behalf, I asked him not to say anything, that I was handling it, that I wasn't angry - you really can't be angry with someone that pathetic. But Harry basically bulldozed me, told me the pathetic 'woe is me' act (conscious or not) doesn't work on him and that tough shit, I need to tell the truth, I was not allowed to cook tonight, and he was dealing with it. I feel guilty for feeling so grateful but by damn it was about time someone else took control instead of just sponging off me. I feel so tiny right now and Harry's always been larger-than-life. I'm so relieved he and Kate are together (at long last) because ignoring the controversy surrounding their pairing, it was meant to happen and they're making each other so happy. And she's so worn down by stress and illness right now that I think one of the few things keeping her up is Harry.I can't do it, I can barely look after myself right now, so it's good to know something is going right. Kate saw me kick a wall yesterday, which is how this all came about I suppose. Kinda bumped into her and appologised if it came across as 'having a go' at her about Jenny the day before, explaining that I was just trying to suss out the situation, figure out the problem them and ease the stress/friction for people. Tried to get hold of someone, couldn't and without realising it was mae-geri to the wall. She remarked that I seemed a little 'friction-full' and everything came out. There were no tears, I don't have the resources for tears, not for Mandy or Cash or Jenny, not for anyone. Opinions changed yesterday. Pooled knowledge builds a bigger picture of a situation. Harry has basically banned Cash from seeing me until I give the all-clear, and thank fuck for that, it was getting to the point where I could not deal with his mood-swings, hot-and-cold, sulks if he doesn't get what he wants, bitchiness, self-destructiveness... I've helped and cajoled and done all I can for people to the point where I was making sure they were eating, but I just can't do it anymore. If this week had continued the way the it started, and the way last week went...I was seriously considering quitting and going home. I still may, but I don't want to. I just...I'm so tired from looking after everyone, that to have all his insecurities and bad moods taken out on me too was just cutting away at the only thing keeping me going, my illusion of strength. It's just not fair. Once people become your friends they're supposed to not target you for their venom. Cruelty is something I expect from the world but my friends...no. I know I haven't chosen wrongly but it feels like I have, it's too similar to a situation so many years ago for my comfort. I don't now and never have understood it. I've never even been cruel to someone I dislike, Igo outof my way to make sure I don't, let alone anyone Icare about. What if those thoughts were right and it is only pretend? The thing is, after I had told Kate everything, we bumped into Cash and he was being his normal cuddly self - given that he's been ignoring me in public for over a week it took me by surprise. Either he'd realised something was wrong and that I was upset and was trying to make things better, or he was trying to get back in my good books so he could proposition me again. The first would be great but the second is so much more likely. God, my trust capacity has kinda gone down the drain, hasn't it? I've had to stop myself from asking a couple of the others from going and hanging out with him. I don't want him to feel left out or ostracised, but I can't and wont deal with him right now. And I know I would only get yelled at for worrying too much if I did ask. He should know he's not unwelcome, certainly not cut off or ostracised or cast out, but if he's not smart enough to figure that out then that's his problem, not mine. I've told the others I'll think I'm ready for things to go back to normal before I am, so they will have to take control of that situation. This feeling is bizarre. I'm feeling protected for the first time in like...ever. It's a scary feeling, mostly because it's not scaring me at all.

Nothing

There is nothing more I can give to you. There is nothing left of me togive. Just go away and leave me to heal.

I've been told

You are AgnosticYou're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.What's Your Religious Philosophy?