The truth (partly)

You know what? Screw other people's feelings, this post is unlocked. I feel guilty about it but I've got to pose the question 'What about my feelings?'Don't I deserve the same amount of respect as I give others? I would no way in hell stand for any of my friends to be treated like this, so why should I put up with being treated like this myself?I'd lost all respect for myself, but thankyou Spetch, you made me realise I do deserve respect.I wish it didn't feel like Harry has just fought my battles for me, but I think he has and I'm intensely grateful and know I should get over the 'I stand alone' mentality that it's taken me a lifetime to cultivate. Harry's able to say things I never could because I'm too damn concerned with hurting other people's feelings. When Harry was getting angry on my behalf, I asked him not to say anything, that I was handling it, that I wasn't angry - you really can't be angry with someone that pathetic. But Harry basically bulldozed me, told me the pathetic 'woe is me' act (conscious or not) doesn't work on him and that tough shit, I need to tell the truth, I was not allowed to cook tonight, and he was dealing with it. I feel guilty for feeling so grateful but by damn it was about time someone else took control instead of just sponging off me. I feel so tiny right now and Harry's always been larger-than-life. I'm so relieved he and Kate are together (at long last) because ignoring the controversy surrounding their pairing, it was meant to happen and they're making each other so happy. And she's so worn down by stress and illness right now that I think one of the few things keeping her up is Harry.I can't do it, I can barely look after myself right now, so it's good to know something is going right. Kate saw me kick a wall yesterday, which is how this all came about I suppose. Kinda bumped into her and appologised if it came across as 'having a go' at her about Jenny the day before, explaining that I was just trying to suss out the situation, figure out the problem them and ease the stress/friction for people. Tried to get hold of someone, couldn't and without realising it was mae-geri to the wall. She remarked that I seemed a little 'friction-full' and everything came out. There were no tears, I don't have the resources for tears, not for Mandy or Cash or Jenny, not for anyone. Opinions changed yesterday. Pooled knowledge builds a bigger picture of a situation. Harry has basically banned Cash from seeing me until I give the all-clear, and thank fuck for that, it was getting to the point where I could not deal with his mood-swings, hot-and-cold, sulks if he doesn't get what he wants, bitchiness, self-destructiveness... I've helped and cajoled and done all I can for people to the point where I was making sure they were eating, but I just can't do it anymore. If this week had continued the way the it started, and the way last week went...I was seriously considering quitting and going home. I still may, but I don't want to. I just...I'm so tired from looking after everyone, that to have all his insecurities and bad moods taken out on me too was just cutting away at the only thing keeping me going, my illusion of strength. It's just not fair. Once people become your friends they're supposed to not target you for their venom. Cruelty is something I expect from the world but my friends...no. I know I haven't chosen wrongly but it feels like I have, it's too similar to a situation so many years ago for my comfort. I don't now and never have understood it. I've never even been cruel to someone I dislike, Igo outof my way to make sure I don't, let alone anyone Icare about. What if those thoughts were right and it is only pretend? The thing is, after I had told Kate everything, we bumped into Cash and he was being his normal cuddly self - given that he's been ignoring me in public for over a week it took me by surprise. Either he'd realised something was wrong and that I was upset and was trying to make things better, or he was trying to get back in my good books so he could proposition me again. The first would be great but the second is so much more likely. God, my trust capacity has kinda gone down the drain, hasn't it? I've had to stop myself from asking a couple of the others from going and hanging out with him. I don't want him to feel left out or ostracised, but I can't and wont deal with him right now. And I know I would only get yelled at for worrying too much if I did ask. He should know he's not unwelcome, certainly not cut off or ostracised or cast out, but if he's not smart enough to figure that out then that's his problem, not mine. I've told the others I'll think I'm ready for things to go back to normal before I am, so they will have to take control of that situation. This feeling is bizarre. I'm feeling protected for the first time in like...ever. It's a scary feeling, mostly because it's not scaring me at all.