Miscommunication

You know, miscommunication is a terrible thing.Somehow though, although for some reason I had little doubt, things have sorted themselves out. I know more about myself now. He knows more about himself now.And it was necessary. This whole past week has been necessary, painful as it's been. This past week pushed me to the point where I doubted myself, realised that I couldn't cope, exhausted me emotionally. It made me ask for help, made me (kinda) admit defeat.And what did it achieve? With everything spiralling out of control and people I love removed from my protection?I think it made them realise that I was taking on their problems too much, made them just as fiercely determined to protect me, made them stand on their own feet. I have issues ceding responsibility back to them, but I have no choice so I will learn to be okay with it.First Mandy this week, then Cash - laying down the line, saying they won't let me deal with all their problems. And at the time it felt like I had failed, but actually, maybe I've succeeded? Helped them when they most needed it but now they realise they can help themselves? I'm shocked, shocked and surprised how many people rallied around me when I needed it.And grateful, never think that I'm not. The friendships we've built are so important, and I get so scared when that's threatened which is why I took this...schism so hard. They've only known me long enough to see me annoyed at Kate, but what they don't realise is that it never really got more than annoyance at Kate, but I was furious at the situation and that it wasn't fixed. They never saw how bad I got with a fall-out a while ago, when the anger went stale.This problem had to get sorted as soon as possible - i saw what it was doing to my head and my judgement, I was scared of what it could be doing to his, and I wanted the Ball to go well, as we've been looking forward to it since Harry told us about it a week into first term. Also, with my guests this weekend, one of who was sure to fall into my corner, I was determined that there would be no corner to fall into. Plus there's too many similarities and opportunities for you two geek about to pass up on.And now it is sorted, and I can't really articulate how relieved I feel. Things feel like they're slotting back into place, how they were meant to be.Heh, no-one said growing up was going to be this painful.I don't know how long we spoke in the pub, but it was certainly longer than an hour, and then we went back to mine, sprawled on my bed for lack of chairs and it was gone 2 by the time we stopped talking.Just...a request. To everyone. Appreciated as it is, please don't try to protect me. If you start treating me different just tell me. I over-think things and invariably end up confused and misreading things. My protection lies in my own physical strength and the trust I put in my friends.And it's a good job I'm Kantian at the core, even if a can temper it with Utilitarianism. You know who I'm talking to.Please don't give up. I think giving up would make you permanently unhappy, rather than just the temporary unhappiness that happens when thigns go wrong. Yes, letting people in hurts both parties, but shutting people out hurts more.Either way, we hashed through everything, re-pledged our friendship, and now things can go back to normal.Or as normal as things get around here.This is a new me.A softer me, I recognise that, because the visageI carried for the past few days has fitted awkwardly at best and was a struggle to maintain, and slipped away easily enough.Friend. That word is insufficient for what it means, words are important but this one is more symbolic than most. We discussed last night the difference between superficial friends and real friendships. Only my head doesn't really like superficial friendships, the depth and the self-knowledge that real friendships provide - yes, they hurt more when they go wrong, but they rarely go wrong for reasons that can't be fixed, and the benefits of real friendships by far outweigh the potential for pain.You know what, this isn't going to become an essay on the nature of friendship, ifI can be bothered i'll do that some other time.Cash, I'm not prepared for either of us to go through this again on the strength of miscommunication. It hurts and it's silly.The awful thing is,I know it wouldn't have reached that bad, certainly not that quickly, if I hadn't had it with everything else as well. But I can't say for certain it wasn't going to happen - maybe it's best that it hit me when i was already down, everythign at once, so that it could break cleaner and heal better?Meanwhile,I have some work to get on with, laundry to do, recipes to consult, a stupid amount of chicken to roast and the Fetish Ball to prepare for!This song doesn't quite summarise my mood last night before things got sorted. But it's close enough.Tool; SchismI know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall awaymildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motiondisintegrating as it goes testing our communicationthe light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us sowe cannot see to reach an end crippling our communicatioooon. I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble downno fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire topoint the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communicatioooon.The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,And the circling is worth it.Finding beauty in the dissonance.There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our covetingI've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communicatioooon.cold, cold, cold,Cold silence haaaasa tendency toooo atrophy anyyyyy sense of compassiooooon.between supposed loverrrsbetween supposed brotherrrrrs.(I know the pieces fit. 7x)I know the pieces fiiit!