Retract, retreat

I need...something.I'm finally getting the rest I've needed for a while - I've admitted defeat. Those that have consumed all my energy these past few...months? Depends how far back you trace this exhaustion. They've given me some space. And yet I've been so ensnared for so long my thoughts keep bending trowards them.I need me.I need to rediscover what and who I am.I am open, fragmented. Pieces of my soul on display for all to see. I need to retract, retreat. Isn't that what comes with defeat? Regroup, regather to tend wounds and form new plans. The ground I stand on in me is smaller now, but it's just as strong as it's ever been. Tried to soften me and i suppose for a while it worked.I need to discover a worth in myself that is not based on what I am to others, not based on what I can provide. I've spent a long time convincing others that worth is not measured by the mind, that love and friendship has no reason for it, it just is given without price or cost. And it's true, true of others. But of me? I need to realise that in myself.I'm so old now. So old. I look back even two, three months ago and I can feel a familier contempt for myself, for my ignorance, for how I mishandled situations so badly. Learning curve i suppose, and things worked out well enough, but I could have done better.I know where I need to go now, I know what I need to do to reinforce myself.For one who once hated exile I almost crave its solitude now.I listened to my body, slept til it had enough, and woke up gone 2 pm. Missed MedSoc unfortunatly, but hopefully will be able to train next week. Need to get my arms and shoulders used to carrying sword and sheild. am trying to consider if I would like to progress to chainmail someday, but will leave that alone for a while and play it by ear.