Gretchen Ross

She.She was exquisite, with her cascade of dark hair framing a pale face, soft eyesthe hue of sorrow.She was tragic, with her soft voice, breathy and catching on tremulous fear.She was endearing, almost birdlike in the way she stood, poised for flight, flinching at words, she slipped with an awkward grace through the brash crowds of youthful arrogance.Her sorrow made her old, her fear made her young, and she was tragic and beautiful and broken and resilient. She was everything that was wrong with the world, the mark of torment and pain still clear across her being, nothing marring those features but existance itself, the perfect victim, the sacrificial lamb, and she was everything right with it, the ethereal creature that the hero rescues, the innocent that the boy with a twist in his soul felt compelled to save.She was beautiful.Even then, in a tasteful mockery of sleep, but no such sleep was marred by the thin trail of blood from the corner of those dead lips, lips that had only just learned to smile.A beauty not meant for this world, almost too fragile to survive.A beauty worth saving.And that is why. Among all the other reasons, confusions, decisions. That is why.

Donnie Darko

My last post which no-one can see because I locked it before I even started writing it was...not exactly self-indulgent. It's all true, in what I feel, but I'm aware a large part of it is one of my paranoid stages talking. I haven't had one of those in so long, in so many months, I thought I'd beaten them. Perhaps not. Well, this is just to tell me if I re-read it and get angry, that the paranoia is only ever fleeting, that anything in it that can be attributed to paranoia probably is, that I need to get over my issue with tears or crying.Thankfully Spetch phoned me and we spent about an hour and a half talking, probably over - it always feels like 20 minutes and under, and it's great to catch up but I think I worried him - he's coming up to visit to make sure I'm alright and catch up with me. I just hope I haven't worried him too much. Note to self, tidy room before he gets here so he'll have a place to sleep. I doubt anyone knows me better, although Laura and Rebekah are close candidates.See, all you need to do is ground yourself, remember who you are and where you came from, and no matter how painful something is you can deal with it.I'm not angry anymore. I don't think I have the energy for anger or tears right now. I would consider getting an early night except for the fact that Mandy is asleep on my bed, still sucking her thumb. I don't want to wake her.Watched Donnie Darko - that film brings back so many memories :D You know what memories.So yeah. Everything I felt was true. Is true. I know I'm expert at deceiving myself but in that I was honest probably why it's private locked, heheI just need to remember that not everyone is out for my downfall and people who are nice to me are not acting for camera's (you get to the point where you're checking for camera's? Get some food, get some water, and go to sleep!)Like now. Everything's shutting down, body and mind.Kwa heri

Call my bluff

Just had a manic burst of life, singing and jumping and happy. Words I said then 'All i need to do is hold true to myself, and everything will be fine, and I can make everything fine'...They seemed true and almost joyous at the time. But now they have a different ring, still true,not hollow, but defiant, angry. Yes, resilient and defiant.I'm not sure why yet but I can take guesses (though they are but guesses at the moment) but there is a core of anger and resentment making itself known. I'm feeling that quiver around my diaphram which is a prelude to it. But I'm sick of having people concerned for me, worried about me. I think unless I'm wanted or anything tonight, I'll stay in and get myself under control. I'm starting to regret being so exposed.I'm so tired. It's not even physical, although it's partly being manifested as that. I've been watching and waiting for so long,I feel the cracks forming. And I can't shore them up fast enough to deny their existance.And my bluff has been called. If I can't convince them of my capabilities, how can I convince myself. I'm not sureI want to face that part of me. I'm not sure if I belong here anymore.I've angered people by trying to do what's best, been villified for trying to ease a fraught situation, and angered people by holding to my own integrety.

Ex's and trust

I've done people a disservice in my locked posts.I'm still puzzled as to how I can be a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, and yet everyone who gets close to me tells me that all they get is locked doors and sheilds.I'm going to need to be told when I do, because I do want to trust people and have them feel trusted, I'm just struggling with the how.Last night, Cash and I decided to end it. It wasn't either of us dumping the other, we reached a mutual conclusion. I think I was the one who aired the possibility of ending it, but I'm not sure, and it was very much a 'this really isn't working' from both of us.So, less than a week after I started my first proper relationship, it ended.And do you know what? I feel so much better for it. There's a pressure that's been lifted, now I'm only expected to be a friend, now he's only expected to be a friend, from both of us and from everyone else.Within moments, we went back to normal. Within moments, we were both able to talk properly again, and I'd got one of my best friends back.I still feel guilty about the other night. I should not have shown that amount of anger, and I certainly shouldn't have been around Jenny when it came out. I shouldn't even have been around Cash, but he is more able to deal than he was.My anger is just emprty air - there's a lot of rage and hurt in it but it'll never be physically directed at anyone else. I hope they know that. If I'm ever violently angry it's something else, and it's never at people I love.I admit, I was cold and angry when he came to see me yesterday. The poor guy spent most of the time in my room as physically far from me as possible, ready to bolt if necessary. I didn't realise I was that intimidating.He cried. He actually cried because he had been so worried about me and had so badly wanted to help me, stop me from being so hurt and angry and I wouldn't let him.He was so vehement about refusing to hurt me. I think that broke through my paranoia. It was a pledge of some kind, and yeah. We're two of the core people in this safety-net we've built around everyone - we can't afford to both be in such a mess all the time.But he's right, I do shut people out when I'm scared or hurt, partly because I believe that I should deal with it on my own, usually because I don't consider turning to someone else for help an option, but usually because I'm embaressed to be seen like that.But, I'm not sure he realises this but I've not put as much trust in anyone else so quickly. Ever. And that means something. In comparison to me, I'm trusting quickly and a lot. In comparison to everyone else it's slow and frustratingly hard. I don't understand how he's been through so muchand is able to trust easier than me. Maybe he's had more opportunity to trust than I have, maybe he's more resilient, or something.Cash, if you read this and remember the night - when Mandy couldn't move after waking up, and there was shouting between me, Amber and Mandy and you left. And I turned up at your door in tears? That was me trusting you. That was me going to someone else for help for the first time. Ever. Which presumably meant that I felt I could.So as frustrating as I am,I figured you should know that. And you know what? I am going to make more of an effort to show what I really feel. Not to make you or anyone else happy, but because I can see the sense in what you said, and it's healthier for me, and healthier for all concerned. So, I know you feel bad for yelling at me the other night, but it probably helped.So, we're two people who care a lot about each other as friends. And there's a lot of physical attraction between us. And that's it. No prescription, kick any titles, we're going to be fine, and this hasn't affected our friendship now we're ex's.We're weird. How does just breaking up with someone make conversation and rapour easier?Oh yeah, and Supernatural is back again. Going to watch that later.Cash and Jenny are going to come over later and hopefully be up for a bit of self-defence training. If they feel up for it. Should phone Francis and see if he wants to come over and do a meal tonight.The rest, it seems, goes unsaid.

It's all a fallacy

My post last night deleted itself as i tried to post it. probably a good thing, I can barely remember what I wrote but I know it was full of tears and rage.You know it's not worth remembering when at the time you sat there whispering 'it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy.'But.It's all a fallacy.How can something exist when that which is it's definition isn't there?I've been told to tell the truth but truth recedes when reason is there.So, hypothetically, I define myself by strength. If I am not strong, I am not. There is nothing in me of any worth if I cannot protect myself or someone else.They told me it was ridiculous. I suppose it is, it must be. But at the same time, it still makes perfect sense, they have still been proved right, and in my head, when I was a doormat, I didn't even have friends. Somewhere along the line strength and worth became linked, and this is something I only realised yesterday.I just wish I could disappear, away from prying eyes and concerned glances and people who will take offense when I protect myself. But I can't, because then I would be doing the one thing I'm so upset about doing.I have no idea where this came from, this mood. I tried to get round it, ignore it, but dancing just highlighted it, drinking exacerbated it, and any attempts to talk just seemed to result in me stuck in my own head, and concerned looks only frustrated me because how can I answer their eyes when nothing's wrong?How can I be this selfish. I ruined their night to an extent, and there isn't even reason to it.A need for action, the blind rage and tears that made me have to leave...I could control their expression but not their existance and the worse thing about it is I have no right. I have no problems that I can discern, so the presence of this mood is troubling - it's wrong and unnecessary and the last time it happened was the first of November but who do I turn to when...now?I've been told I'm a very open person. This is something I'm prepared to agree with. It's time to close I think. I don't think...I don't know.Embers, I suppose. Ash and embers and betrayal.

Surety of self

Been back for a few days now, returned to old responsibilities and new ones. Some bad progressions of old situations, some good progressions of old situations. Australia rested me and strengthened me, i returned more sure of who I are, and perhaps less sure of who others are. Some things are harder, some easier. Jenny is staying with me tonight, she was very upset so she's takinga break tonight and we're sharing girly gossip etc, so i'll finish this entry in the morning.

Home at last

Home again, at last. The Welsh one :DYou know what? I'm Sick. Of. Travelling. The furthest I will go for a month now is the distance my feet can take me, not aided by anything modern.I'd been travelling for 40 hours and 10 minutes, and not slept in longer when I arrived back. I deliberatly didn't tell people what time I was due back, partly because I didn't know myself, and partly because I wanted to sneak past them and shower first (which didn't work, as I was spotted, and plus, couldn't wait any longer to say G'day.)Nearly ruined the entire returning-travelling walk down the steps by the way my right ankle decided that walking at right-angles was the new thing and skidded me a little painfully down 3 steps, but given the extra weight I was carrying, I luckily kept my feet and didn't damage anything!Got suitably attacked by MedSoc, in all their weapon-and-armour-decked glory. Before I knew it, Laura had wrested one of my bags from me, and I guess I knew then that I was home. Michael joined us, having arrived about half an hour earlier, and by way of greeting lifted me bodily from my feet, travelling bag and all. I've missed him so much, with his sweet, simple way of expressing affection.Cashand Mandy were in her room - now way I could sneak past, she had her door open, sohyper-excited greetings were exchanged in our tiny corridor with me just accepting that I was off balance - luckily she held me up because it would have been a turtle effect if not. Cash has dyed his hair a kind of deep red, almost a garnet hue. It suits him.I think I was quite manic - you get tired enough, you end up over-excited and chaos is kinda mandatory, then there's the downwards spiral.There's a fragile kind of peace betweenmyself and a couple of them.The way it feels, we're trying to figure out how 'normal' works. I think I'm acting normal, but equally there have been a few strange looks so I'm wondering if I'm more transparant than I thought. I don't know how to maintain my guard and not cause hurt. I guess i'm just...waiting, and watching, easing back into it. I'm not sure how things stand, but I came back more sure of myself. less sure of everyone and everything else, but that's the way of it i guess - I've been alone for 3 weeks, kind of a given.Mandy cooked (not fajhitas). It was good but i have no appetite. It seems my utensils have been used ad nausium.I can certainly say I did not expect to come home and within a few hours be helping a friend shave their legs in the sink. A male friend. I'll post pictures soon. Might add more to this entry.

Last day...

in Australia. Bethan and I fly back home tomorrow. To what, I don't know. Will things have changed? Will I have forgotten anything? Will they have? I'm not sure what to expect, I'm not sure what's expected of me. I...am myself again,I think. I've drawn in all these pieces of who I am am forced them back together, and I don't intend to be scattered so far again. It will require strength to go against what I'm urged, but I don't think it's ever been said I am not strong. Time to see if I'm strong enough.I desperatly look forward to going home, but to which home even my subconscious cannot tell.I keep looking forward to curling up on my sofa with my dogs or walking to the Chinese with Laura or Ben,or the long-running cup-of-tea? banter Spetch and I have,and the bombardment of pet-hates Rebekah lovingly plagues me with whenever I visit.But also I look forward to tussling with Harry with him leaving empty coffee cups all over the place,or mock-scowling at Michael when he gets mud on my bedor teaching Cash how to fight or trying to freak out Francis.Oki, my journey, which I'm totally not panicking about at all...Perth (3:30pm) to Singapore (8:45pm)Singapore (11:47pm) to Heathrow (5:30am)Heathrow Terminal 4 (anytime til 7:55am - hope to get an earlier train if possible, knock an hour or two off the travelling day)to Cardiff (latest arrival 11:47)From there, I can either wait for the 6:15pm bus, or figure out the trains to Carmarthen and then the bus to Lampeter. By my calculations, the latest I'll arrive is 9:09pm, the earliest (unless we can get away from London sooner) will be...a bit earlier, lol.Gah! Apparently the simple requests of 'please don't close any of the windows i'm using on the computer' and 'please don't read my journal' are ones too hard for my fathers delicate sense of ...i don't know. Either way, he just threw all his toys out the pram, hissed "Confirm your own damn flights then" and stormed off. Knowing full well I'm unable to, as I dont have the information, and no way to get the information.But you know what?I find thatI care very little - he's going to confirm them anyway, even if only for Bethan's sake. He'll then try and get me to ask for details, but really? I don't want and don't have to play this game, so I wont. I'm sick of people taking my good nature for granted. Thinking that they can get away with treating me like something less than worthless because they know they're safe and they know I'll pretty much forgive if an appology is offered.Maybe it's time for me to stop listening to appologies.Besides, leaving here tomorrow, don't have to see him forthree months or longer if I don't want to.I can feel where the anger is supposed to be, would normally be, but somehow, it's just contempt now. It hardly hurts at all. What happens if I lose all respect?Sheesh, i hate travelling. I'm sick of my family but sorry to leave them, can't wait to return to Lampeter but nervous about what I'll find, worried that Tash and Mandy have misinterpretted me when I voiced my concerns about Spetch...you know what, it doesn't matter if they have - i know what I meant about him, and the rest will have to wait.

Poem; The Treachery of Tears

Fingertips to wounding lipsAnd a soft farewellNothing of your presence now'cept the treachery of tearsAndI did not watch you goLeaving as a shadowAnd who will you be holding at the turning of the year?At the turning of the year? It wont be meNot me, not me,And that night we shared togetherWho then did your mindsee?Not me, not meIt's never me.Broken whenI found youThough you denied it then and ever stillLong before I struck youMy hand hurt naught but gossamer disguiseSo much pain in one shell of fleshBy her, from her abandmentBy him, from his abandomentThe first was second, from fading loveThe second was first, from hand of deathWere you broken when we parted?Time will have to tellButI've run this pathI know this danceI've seen this mummers farce beforeAnd ours is a twisted, tortured whirlSame tune, same steps, our hands entwinedBut our hearts beat out of timeAnd the music stops,The silence reigns,I think thatI can breathe againBut then the dreaded strings are pluckedAnd I have no choice but to ask"Would you dance, sir, with me once more?"

Fremantle

Woken early hours of this morning by a cockroach crawling across my neck. Not impressed. Not scared by insects, just...would rather not be woken by one at 3am scuttling across my sleeping flesh...Hehe, remind me to freak out my friends with that image.Went to Fremantle today. Absolutly NOWHERE can i find that beautiful jewellry made by dipping eucalptus leaves and nuts in moultne metal and laquering the finished product to prevent it from oxidising. Am most put out. Instead, got Harry a necklace witha crocodile tooth on it, and two of my guys a bottle opener each made of kangaroo scrotum. Not sure who to give them to yet - Michael, Cash or Francis. Haven't got anything else for Michael, although could get him a bottle of Whiskey, was thinking of a bottle of something for Francis - it's his birthday the day after i get back, and i have something else in mind for Cash but haven't managed to find it either.Got a couple of toys for Zach and Josh though, and a book for myself.Ben sent me thisI also wrote a poem over the last few days, compiled the bits into a rough draft yesterday, will revise and repost it here methinks.Old faces appearing in my dreams again.Lampeter news, Mandy's undecided about coming back, and Kate and Harry are now together.

Return from the river. Dolphins.

Today was a shedload of travelling, and catching up on my updates. We did however, go and see some dolphins - a mother and her 2 month old calf with a sharkscar on it's right flank, poor little thing. They swam within two feet of our bare, shivering legs - the world's been scorching since we got here, and yet most of today was spent in torrential rain. I remeber the last time we saw dolphons in Australia - i was 13 and it brushed against my legs. Their skin is like wet rubber, and the sand was coarse from broken shell from Shell Beach. Slightly morbid, there was a dolphin foetus in a glass jar at the centre - a pregnant one had died. Nothing else all that exciting.Except the locusts. Hundreds of hatchlings darken the ground. Insane. Just...insane.