Donnie Darko

My last post which no-one can see because I locked it before I even started writing it was...not exactly self-indulgent. It's all true, in what I feel, but I'm aware a large part of it is one of my paranoid stages talking. I haven't had one of those in so long, in so many months, I thought I'd beaten them. Perhaps not. Well, this is just to tell me if I re-read it and get angry, that the paranoia is only ever fleeting, that anything in it that can be attributed to paranoia probably is, that I need to get over my issue with tears or crying.Thankfully Spetch phoned me and we spent about an hour and a half talking, probably over - it always feels like 20 minutes and under, and it's great to catch up but I think I worried him - he's coming up to visit to make sure I'm alright and catch up with me. I just hope I haven't worried him too much. Note to self, tidy room before he gets here so he'll have a place to sleep. I doubt anyone knows me better, although Laura and Rebekah are close candidates.See, all you need to do is ground yourself, remember who you are and where you came from, and no matter how painful something is you can deal with it.I'm not angry anymore. I don't think I have the energy for anger or tears right now. I would consider getting an early night except for the fact that Mandy is asleep on my bed, still sucking her thumb. I don't want to wake her.Watched Donnie Darko - that film brings back so many memories :D You know what memories.So yeah. Everything I felt was true. Is true. I know I'm expert at deceiving myself but in that I was honest probably why it's private locked, heheI just need to remember that not everyone is out for my downfall and people who are nice to me are not acting for camera's (you get to the point where you're checking for camera's? Get some food, get some water, and go to sleep!)Like now. Everything's shutting down, body and mind.Kwa heri