It's all a fallacy

My post last night deleted itself as i tried to post it. probably a good thing, I can barely remember what I wrote but I know it was full of tears and rage.You know it's not worth remembering when at the time you sat there whispering 'it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy.'But.It's all a fallacy.How can something exist when that which is it's definition isn't there?I've been told to tell the truth but truth recedes when reason is there.So, hypothetically, I define myself by strength. If I am not strong, I am not. There is nothing in me of any worth if I cannot protect myself or someone else.They told me it was ridiculous. I suppose it is, it must be. But at the same time, it still makes perfect sense, they have still been proved right, and in my head, when I was a doormat, I didn't even have friends. Somewhere along the line strength and worth became linked, and this is something I only realised yesterday.I just wish I could disappear, away from prying eyes and concerned glances and people who will take offense when I protect myself. But I can't, because then I would be doing the one thing I'm so upset about doing.I have no idea where this came from, this mood. I tried to get round it, ignore it, but dancing just highlighted it, drinking exacerbated it, and any attempts to talk just seemed to result in me stuck in my own head, and concerned looks only frustrated me because how can I answer their eyes when nothing's wrong?How can I be this selfish. I ruined their night to an extent, and there isn't even reason to it.A need for action, the blind rage and tears that made me have to leave...I could control their expression but not their existance and the worse thing about it is I have no right. I have no problems that I can discern, so the presence of this mood is troubling - it's wrong and unnecessary and the last time it happened was the first of November but who do I turn to when...now?I've been told I'm a very open person. This is something I'm prepared to agree with. It's time to close I think. I don't think...I don't know.Embers, I suppose. Ash and embers and betrayal.