Ex's and trust

I've done people a disservice in my locked posts.I'm still puzzled as to how I can be a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, and yet everyone who gets close to me tells me that all they get is locked doors and sheilds.I'm going to need to be told when I do, because I do want to trust people and have them feel trusted, I'm just struggling with the how.Last night, Cash and I decided to end it. It wasn't either of us dumping the other, we reached a mutual conclusion. I think I was the one who aired the possibility of ending it, but I'm not sure, and it was very much a 'this really isn't working' from both of us.So, less than a week after I started my first proper relationship, it ended.And do you know what? I feel so much better for it. There's a pressure that's been lifted, now I'm only expected to be a friend, now he's only expected to be a friend, from both of us and from everyone else.Within moments, we went back to normal. Within moments, we were both able to talk properly again, and I'd got one of my best friends back.I still feel guilty about the other night. I should not have shown that amount of anger, and I certainly shouldn't have been around Jenny when it came out. I shouldn't even have been around Cash, but he is more able to deal than he was.My anger is just emprty air - there's a lot of rage and hurt in it but it'll never be physically directed at anyone else. I hope they know that. If I'm ever violently angry it's something else, and it's never at people I love.I admit, I was cold and angry when he came to see me yesterday. The poor guy spent most of the time in my room as physically far from me as possible, ready to bolt if necessary. I didn't realise I was that intimidating.He cried. He actually cried because he had been so worried about me and had so badly wanted to help me, stop me from being so hurt and angry and I wouldn't let him.He was so vehement about refusing to hurt me. I think that broke through my paranoia. It was a pledge of some kind, and yeah. We're two of the core people in this safety-net we've built around everyone - we can't afford to both be in such a mess all the time.But he's right, I do shut people out when I'm scared or hurt, partly because I believe that I should deal with it on my own, usually because I don't consider turning to someone else for help an option, but usually because I'm embaressed to be seen like that.But, I'm not sure he realises this but I've not put as much trust in anyone else so quickly. Ever. And that means something. In comparison to me, I'm trusting quickly and a lot. In comparison to everyone else it's slow and frustratingly hard. I don't understand how he's been through so muchand is able to trust easier than me. Maybe he's had more opportunity to trust than I have, maybe he's more resilient, or something.Cash, if you read this and remember the night - when Mandy couldn't move after waking up, and there was shouting between me, Amber and Mandy and you left. And I turned up at your door in tears? That was me trusting you. That was me going to someone else for help for the first time. Ever. Which presumably meant that I felt I could.So as frustrating as I am,I figured you should know that. And you know what? I am going to make more of an effort to show what I really feel. Not to make you or anyone else happy, but because I can see the sense in what you said, and it's healthier for me, and healthier for all concerned. So, I know you feel bad for yelling at me the other night, but it probably helped.So, we're two people who care a lot about each other as friends. And there's a lot of physical attraction between us. And that's it. No prescription, kick any titles, we're going to be fine, and this hasn't affected our friendship now we're ex's.We're weird. How does just breaking up with someone make conversation and rapour easier?Oh yeah, and Supernatural is back again. Going to watch that later.Cash and Jenny are going to come over later and hopefully be up for a bit of self-defence training. If they feel up for it. Should phone Francis and see if he wants to come over and do a meal tonight.The rest, it seems, goes unsaid.