Easter brief recap

I still don't trust this happiness, I'm still treating it with a wary caution, but maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to consider it may be true. I've exorcised my doubts, and more will come but I will handle that, and...optimistic. We got together Monday night, after resisting more than friendly embraces the entire day, ducking gazes that lingered too long, but I've written about that already. Tuesday we met up with Spetch, walked into Lostwithiel. Hamish slipped under the gate somehow and followed, and i had to use a piece of twine wrapped around a fence post as a lead. Loving the fact that when that dog snapped at him he snapped right back, being under half it's size! Down to the river, past the moored boats, past the playing fields, through the wild apple trees out onto the floodplain, then through a natural tunnel made by flowering blackthorn, as though snow had settled on their twisted branches. Then the land ended where a small waterway joined the river Fowey as a wide expanse of mud. Somehow the boys decided that the gravel patch nearer thewater was firm ground and resolved to get to it.Much tramping around and nearly falling over in the mud then trudging upriver to try and cross there then giving up and starting again later, they decided that laying down branches to walk across would provide them with enough supportto get to the other side. So a branch was pulled out of the mud and laid down. then another. Then they ran out and had to go and search for wood. Cash came back carrying a sizeable branch. Spetch came back carrying half a felled tree! They were halfway across their new bridge when it was time to go, so we never found out how functional it would have been. Spetch seemed...quiet. Not sure why. He was chatty enough when we were walking, but...yeah, when we got back to mine he had slipped into a kind of abruptness. That evening we went out under the stars again, sat in the hidden garden and talked. He instigated, and must have spoken for about an hour and a half - there was something in him that needed to unload, so I sat silent and let him. He confessed his lie to me, nervously but he did it, and I'm proud of him for doing so. He needed to know that I was okay with it, he needs to realise there's very little he could do that would drive me away. He needs to know that being honest will be appreciated and not get him in trouble. He'll feel better about himself that way. Wednesday met up with Rebekah, pasty count = 2, both Cash and Rebekah took the piss out of my incompetance when it comes to shopping. Euganie kicked him in the balls, but otherwise seemed quite amused by him and his stubble. Went out to Sam's restaurant that evening, he was delighted with the place and spent most of the evening discussing various musicians with my parents. We went to the Talbot afterwards, and there seemed some tension in the air but that soon disipated, especially once Ben and Miguel were free from their previous conversations and engaged Cash in tales of Medsoc - both got really interested and Miguel threatened to come round so Cash could show him how to use the bow (he did, on Saturday). Went back to Laura and Alex's afterwards, and ended up walking home at about midnight. He's said he wasn't a fan of the night, which became apparent. Just used to greater light levels, and wasn't familier with the terrain, and I resolved to carry a torch on me more often. I prefer walking at night without a torch, it seems to me just a great way to advertise your position and your discomfort with the dark, and you lose the sensations you get at night if you use artificial light, but no matter.He needs the light more than I need the dark. Thursday, dental appointment in Padstow, stayed afterwards and had pasty no.3+4. Just spent about an hour and a half wandering around the town, getting ice-cream and harmonica and looking at all the bric-a-brac shops, then walked to Wadebridge, which took two hours and earned a fair few blisters. The walk was beautiful though, the way decorated with spring flowers and we stopped for a bit to stare down some baby rabbits. Ended up having coffe then checking out the Kernow harvest shop - note - Gordan Bennett. Laura phoned asking if we wanted to go out that evening so we went bowling - the boys were pleased because they beat us, Laura was just pleased she beat SOMEONE once. :D Scary amount of food later at pizza hut, and arranged to go surfing the next day. tbc...

The right decision

Kathy wants to see me, we've arranged to meet on Monday at 5. So many people who care about me, I somehow seem to have earned the love and loyalty of so many amazing people. I ended up crying at Kathy's! So far I've spent Monday and Thursday with Rebekah and Euganie - Spetch and Luke visited Rebekah's on Thursday too, then after I had my spine crunched I went to Spetch's. Sitting at his windowsill talking, incense in the air, this time round it was me fractured and not sure where to turn. Some of my stories made him laugh, some of them made him angry and indignant. It's a good job the stories are edited, else I'm sure there would be rage too.There is an odd peace I find at Rebekah's. It's neither so fierce and all-encompassing as my woods,or as mentally grounding as at Spetchs, but...even though running round after an incredibly active 1 year old should by rights be exhausting...it's not. It's nourishing in ways I can't describe but I think people will understand anyway.With everything invested into the wellbeing and love of someone so totally innocent, so totally dependant, so totally precious - it's peaceful. Nothing matters but Euganie.Someday I will be a mother.It's...odd to think that had I not, I could be. A relief and a sadness all at once.What of where I've been for the past few months? The sense that I've made the right decision strengthens daily here. I tried to pretend I was okay with the way things were - after all, what did I matter? What did my pain matter when others had been through so much. Surely it was selfish to want soemthing else, selfish to be hurt?But I wasn't okay with it, and altruism only gets you so far, and staying true to myself is the better course, the only course I should consider. Because the way I was going was destroying me. I had no worth, and trust you I do, but not with that. There are things I hope you've forgotten, that I've made myself overlook, that I won't mention to anybody. But they're there and they prey on me even now. The only thing I can do for that is to watch.I'll give anything to make you okay. Even myself. But if I don't stay true to myself, then I am not myself, and I have not myself to give. So I have to deny myself and deny you to be able to be anything, have any worth or self respect, and aid you at all. And I am so much better than what I became recently, so much stronger than that. Events? People? I shape them. Not the other way round. Circumstance and events are mine to craft, people aren't reliable enough to make things okay. Why should I, how dare I look to others to make things okay? I took their advice, sat back, watched things fall apart instead of investing myself into making them better, and guess what? They got worse. Their advice was well-intentioned but it was wrong, and I need to remember that I am the only reliance I need.You need to listen to this. You need to heed this. You need to follow your own guidelines. Don't let others set them for you. You set yourself something to do. So do it. It gets easier after the first time. Trust me it does. Because right now you won't do anything, you wont take action to fix yourself unless someone else tells you to do it. These are your battles to fight, not mine. And tired from the fight, I'm also tired of your anger when I hold you up, tired of your meekness, your placidity, when you'll just lie down and take whatever you're given.Yes, it would be...amazing, to be able to look to someone else to make things okay. I would love to be protected, looked after, cherished. But it's a dream, and a foolish dream at that, for one such as me. It's a dream I won't pander to anymore.For we are not equals.And romance? Will remain a treasured notion, a protected dream. Is all.There is no-one stronger than me. There is no-one more capable of shaping events around me than me. Well, perhaps there is one. But he is out of the equation.So you'll find me changed, I hope. Less fractured. You all will. But don't presume to tell me what I am, for I know it better than you know yourselves.In that, I know I always over-estimate my strength. If you think I'm falling, I probably have been for a while. If you think I need looking after, you're probably right. Just don't let me know that you're looking after me. You'll get no-where if you do.I...have finished what I need to say. For now.I just hope that you're okay.

I am not a stranger here

I am not a stranger here. Parts of me that for half a year have been dormant are seeping back into place. The constant fear and worry that Lampeter has marked me with is ebbing. I don't think it will go though. I find myself going cold at thoughts of what might befall my friends, guilty that I can do even less here than I could whilst with them. But I am not a stranger here. The months have not changed me enough to change the shape of who I am, I still fit into the life I built here. Walking Wednesday night I had...not an epiphany exactly, but a realisation of sorts, back from Alex and Laura's...I love walking at night. I never walk with a torch - even if I carry one I never turn it on. Thoughts of how to merge my two lives, how to strike the balance I've been needing were heavy, but not painful. The Poldew stream was my constant voal companion along the entire way home, and only one car passed, sheilding my eyes on the way I'm used to. The moon was only half full yet still bright enough to cast tree shadows, so still was the night that I could discern the individual twigs in the moonshadows. The woods still remember. They were watching me, unsure at first, and some things have changed...the ground is dark with bluebell foliage, the branches are nude with winter, a few great branches have fallen with the storms I've missed, more that I could not tell at night, but I still belong. No threat in the shadows of the trees, the darkness holds no fear for me, my footsteps near silent on the soft leaves from last year. I stood for a while, my arms pale in the moonlight, fingers like wan spiders against the dark moss on the beech, the oak, every guard that I visited. Old ferns, torn and toughgreeted me, young when last I saw them. It's...not hard, but a little trying to hold to that sensation, that sense of stillness, that everything will be alright. I haven't been still for so long, and couldn't remain in the calm of the woods for long either,but it's there for me, waiting. And pale primroses line the hedge as I walked, and naturalised daffodills, their scents both subtle and sharp. The road is narrow, I would not mind if it had gone on til sunrise. Boughs of hazel and ash, oak and beech, lean over the aged tarmac to form a bower, a mesh, a tunnel through which I and I alone walk. I haven't been alone in so long I had forgotten. My identity is in these woods, in these rocks, this soil, the sweet flowering of wild plants, the soft rustling of small creatures in the undergrowth, the steady drip of damp hedgerows and the distraction of the water. A deer startled by my head on the other side of the hedge, a young buck I think, small but adult in form. He darted a few paces then turned to watch me, gauging the threat, before tossing back his head, no more than a dark silhouette against pale winter grassland and shadowed holly and hazel and picking his way through what I know are dead fireweed, cow parsley, lesser burdock and the bramble that is devouring that abandoned meadow. There is no sadness here. Memories both painful and happy dissipate, leaving just what is. Even in pitch black, I can always find my way home. I just hope that canbe applicable to the rest of my life as well.

Gingered Squash and Sweet Potato Soup

1 medium butternut squash, peeled halved and seeded 1 large sweet potato (or yam), peeled and chopped Salt/pepper 1 Tbs. oil 1 medium onion, chopped 1 tsp. minced garlic(sometimes i add more) 1 Tbs. minced fresh ginger (or 1 tsp dried) 1 Tbs. sugar (any kind of natural sweetener will do i suppose) 1/8 tsp. ground allspice 1/8 tsp. cayenne (more if you like spicy!) 3 cups vegetable stock 1 cup soy milk Method: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.Lightly oil a baking dish.Cut squash and potato into 1-2" chunks and place in dish.Season lightly with salt and pepper and cover tightly with aluminum foil.Bake until soft, about 45 minutes.Let cool.Saute onion in oil and cook until lightly browned, about 10 minutes.Add garlic and ginger and cook for 1 minute.Add sugar, allspice, and cayenne and stir to blend.Add stock and bring to boil.Simmer 5 minutes.Let cool.Puree soup mixture in batches and return to saucepan.Puree squash and potato and add to saucepan.Slowly blend soymilk until desired consistency.Slowly reheat, but be careful not to boil.

Gingered Squash and Sweet Potato Soup

1 medium butternut squash, peeled halved and seeded 1 large sweet potato (or yam), peeled and chopped Salt/pepper 1 Tbs. oil 1 medium onion, chopped 1 tsp. minced garlic(sometimes i add more) 1 Tbs. minced fresh ginger (or 1 tsp dried) 1 Tbs. sugar (any kind of natural sweetener will do i suppose) 1/8 tsp. ground allspice 1/8 tsp. cayenne (more if you like spicy!) 3 cups vegetable stock 1 cup soy milk Method: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.Lightly oil a baking dish.Cut squash and potato into 1-2" chunks and place in dish.Season lightly with salt and pepper and cover tightly with aluminum foil.Bake until soft, about 45 minutes.Let cool.Saute onion in oil and cook until lightly browned, about 10 minutes.Add garlic and ginger and cook for 1 minute.Add sugar, allspice, and cayenne and stir to blend.Add stock and bring to boil.Simmer 5 minutes.Let cool.Puree soup mixture in batches and return to saucepan.Puree squash and potato and add to saucepan.Slowly blend soymilk until desired consistency.Slowly reheat, but be careful not to boil.

Their selling point comes soon

La la la, their selling point comes soon. They say they'll be pissed off if I close myself from them on account of this, they fail to realise it's already happening, seeds of discord, sullied trust, all that jazz. E.T.A. And it's started. Already.

To all those who contributed to this mood. Watch. me. care.

I'm so tired. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck me. But that already happened. Heh. I'm sick of being vilified for caring. Stop punishing me for giving a shit about you. Stop fighting me for fighting on your side. Stop the silence, it's robbing me of my purpose. Stop looking confused when you hit me and it takes me a while to clamber back to my feet. Stop the careless words that you must on some level know how they cut because if the situation was reversed? Stop using me. Verbal punchbag. Housewife. Fuck. You. You come to me for help, then get angry when I do. Stop getting confused when I end up a quivering mess because... Because. I've always told people to not give up at the first hurdle, to keep their goal in mind. Well right now I can't see the goal, I can't harness my mind, and the entire thing is a series of hurdles and I can't think beyond the next couple of hours, or days. What the hell. All my advice in the past lauding strength and perseverance? How about we go for the complete opposite, complete reverse. The path of destruction. What happens when you stop caring? Don't appologise, don't feel guilty, don't eat, drink loads of alcohol, end up crying and hitting things or dealing with things you don't want to. Take drugs, punch a friend, betray a friend, fuck someone you know likes you and don't talk to them again. Stop excusing the fact that you're acting like a cunt. Stop letting me excuse the fact that you're acting like a cunt. Stop it. Stop thinking. Stop feeling. I wish I could, but instead I sit here waiting for the next punch and doing nothing to defend myself except try and harden my walls, but you all keep tricking me into lowering my guard. So you got what you wanted, got what you came for. Are you done yet? Can i sleep for a while? Can this end for a while. Don't look at me all concerned. Stop prescribing things. It's not good. It's not bad. It's just a girl sitting in a corner tryingnot to cry. I'm sick of waiting on others, waiting for things to be just right for them, waiting for them to fall again, waiting til the next time i need to pick up the pieces. I keep thinking...maybe i should do something for myself for once. Maybe I should say what i want for once. But then that poses the question, what do i want? I want people to be okay, i want...I want to stop feeling, I want to stop thinking, I want to stop revolving aroundall this crap, watching other people's moods so that when they...whatever...i can...whatever. I want someone to want to be around me rather than just thinking they owe it to me. I want to know where I stand, i want to know how i can be so easily discarded, i want to know why, i want to know what it is that is lacking in me, i want to stop this selfish rant but i'm not sure i care enough anymore for that, I want to stop crying, i want either to be strong enough to sort myself out and look after myself and be my own jurisdiction or someone to look after me, just for an instant. I want to know what that feels like. I've spent so long on the edge of tears and now they just wont stop, and they see me falling to pieces and look worried and are silent and a part of me is giggling because they have no clue as to what to do, because I'm the one who always knows what to do and now?Don't ask me if i'm okay, I have nothing to compare it to. I don't know anymore. I have no idea who I am anymore.

Bitter amusement

Sometimes being proved right is…painful? Painful doesn’t quite cover it. There’s a bitter amusement to realising that. A vicious humour in realising that for months you had been right all along. I told you what ploys you were using me, and for all that time you denied it, protested you were not that kind of person. But you are, and I was right, and it’s more poison than medicine, shattering than strengthening, and you have no right to protest, not now you’ve gone and reinforced my convictions, not only that, but redefined them on a whole new level.It’s taken this long for the hurt to be fully realised, for the illusion to break, for the anger the be undeniable, the resentment to set in.

Retract, retreat

I need...something.I'm finally getting the rest I've needed for a while - I've admitted defeat. Those that have consumed all my energy these past few...months? Depends how far back you trace this exhaustion. They've given me some space. And yet I've been so ensnared for so long my thoughts keep bending trowards them.I need me.I need to rediscover what and who I am.I am open, fragmented. Pieces of my soul on display for all to see. I need to retract, retreat. Isn't that what comes with defeat? Regroup, regather to tend wounds and form new plans. The ground I stand on in me is smaller now, but it's just as strong as it's ever been. Tried to soften me and i suppose for a while it worked.I need to discover a worth in myself that is not based on what I am to others, not based on what I can provide. I've spent a long time convincing others that worth is not measured by the mind, that love and friendship has no reason for it, it just is given without price or cost. And it's true, true of others. But of me? I need to realise that in myself.I'm so old now. So old. I look back even two, three months ago and I can feel a familier contempt for myself, for my ignorance, for how I mishandled situations so badly. Learning curve i suppose, and things worked out well enough, but I could have done better.I know where I need to go now, I know what I need to do to reinforce myself.For one who once hated exile I almost crave its solitude now.I listened to my body, slept til it had enough, and woke up gone 2 pm. Missed MedSoc unfortunatly, but hopefully will be able to train next week. Need to get my arms and shoulders used to carrying sword and sheild. am trying to consider if I would like to progress to chainmail someday, but will leave that alone for a while and play it by ear.

There is something fundamentally wrong with me

There is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Miscommunication

You know, miscommunication is a terrible thing.Somehow though, although for some reason I had little doubt, things have sorted themselves out. I know more about myself now. He knows more about himself now.And it was necessary. This whole past week has been necessary, painful as it's been. This past week pushed me to the point where I doubted myself, realised that I couldn't cope, exhausted me emotionally. It made me ask for help, made me (kinda) admit defeat.And what did it achieve? With everything spiralling out of control and people I love removed from my protection?I think it made them realise that I was taking on their problems too much, made them just as fiercely determined to protect me, made them stand on their own feet. I have issues ceding responsibility back to them, but I have no choice so I will learn to be okay with it.First Mandy this week, then Cash - laying down the line, saying they won't let me deal with all their problems. And at the time it felt like I had failed, but actually, maybe I've succeeded? Helped them when they most needed it but now they realise they can help themselves? I'm shocked, shocked and surprised how many people rallied around me when I needed it.And grateful, never think that I'm not. The friendships we've built are so important, and I get so scared when that's threatened which is why I took this...schism so hard. They've only known me long enough to see me annoyed at Kate, but what they don't realise is that it never really got more than annoyance at Kate, but I was furious at the situation and that it wasn't fixed. They never saw how bad I got with a fall-out a while ago, when the anger went stale.This problem had to get sorted as soon as possible - i saw what it was doing to my head and my judgement, I was scared of what it could be doing to his, and I wanted the Ball to go well, as we've been looking forward to it since Harry told us about it a week into first term. Also, with my guests this weekend, one of who was sure to fall into my corner, I was determined that there would be no corner to fall into. Plus there's too many similarities and opportunities for you two geek about to pass up on.And now it is sorted, and I can't really articulate how relieved I feel. Things feel like they're slotting back into place, how they were meant to be.Heh, no-one said growing up was going to be this painful.I don't know how long we spoke in the pub, but it was certainly longer than an hour, and then we went back to mine, sprawled on my bed for lack of chairs and it was gone 2 by the time we stopped talking.Just...a request. To everyone. Appreciated as it is, please don't try to protect me. If you start treating me different just tell me. I over-think things and invariably end up confused and misreading things. My protection lies in my own physical strength and the trust I put in my friends.And it's a good job I'm Kantian at the core, even if a can temper it with Utilitarianism. You know who I'm talking to.Please don't give up. I think giving up would make you permanently unhappy, rather than just the temporary unhappiness that happens when thigns go wrong. Yes, letting people in hurts both parties, but shutting people out hurts more.Either way, we hashed through everything, re-pledged our friendship, and now things can go back to normal.Or as normal as things get around here.This is a new me.A softer me, I recognise that, because the visageI carried for the past few days has fitted awkwardly at best and was a struggle to maintain, and slipped away easily enough.Friend. That word is insufficient for what it means, words are important but this one is more symbolic than most. We discussed last night the difference between superficial friends and real friendships. Only my head doesn't really like superficial friendships, the depth and the self-knowledge that real friendships provide - yes, they hurt more when they go wrong, but they rarely go wrong for reasons that can't be fixed, and the benefits of real friendships by far outweigh the potential for pain.You know what, this isn't going to become an essay on the nature of friendship, ifI can be bothered i'll do that some other time.Cash, I'm not prepared for either of us to go through this again on the strength of miscommunication. It hurts and it's silly.The awful thing is,I know it wouldn't have reached that bad, certainly not that quickly, if I hadn't had it with everything else as well. But I can't say for certain it wasn't going to happen - maybe it's best that it hit me when i was already down, everythign at once, so that it could break cleaner and heal better?Meanwhile,I have some work to get on with, laundry to do, recipes to consult, a stupid amount of chicken to roast and the Fetish Ball to prepare for!This song doesn't quite summarise my mood last night before things got sorted. But it's close enough.Tool; SchismI know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall awaymildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motiondisintegrating as it goes testing our communicationthe light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us sowe cannot see to reach an end crippling our communicatioooon. I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble downno fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire topoint the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communicatioooon.The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,And the circling is worth it.Finding beauty in the dissonance.There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our covetingI've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communicatioooon.cold, cold, cold,Cold silence haaaasa tendency toooo atrophy anyyyyy sense of compassiooooon.between supposed loverrrsbetween supposed brotherrrrrs.(I know the pieces fit. 7x)I know the pieces fiiit!

Not quite Killer Kate

Bless Laura, she got so worried about me she tried phoning and couldn't get through so rang my mum.News from home....Laura says:heeellllotalk to me ur favourite little blondei have big news about killer kateCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:heyahow's things going? and what about Kate? i missed her call the other dayLaura says:she speaks!last night steve drage turned up to karate...and everyone was playing one of kates games...Could I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:yeah?how did that go, lol?Laura says:and steve tried to scissor sweep kate and he fell on his back, didnt breakfall and took kates feet out in the process..she just fell down with all her weight on to her knees onto steveCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:hang on, Killer Kate wasn't a literary thing was it?Laura says:miguel went with him to hospital and i got a text this morning saying that he had broken ribs and that his left lung collapsed which they have now inflated by putting a tube inCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:FUCK!that will heal okay, but fuck!Laura says:apparently he stood up after the incident and said oh i think ive winded myself and then fell down clutching his chest in pain so i think people may have thought he was having a heart attack but luckily he wasntCould I uncoil myself from this shell of flesh, I wonder? says:how is Kate taking it?Laura says:she was blaming herself a bitbut it does sound like ther wasnt much she could do about the situation

The truth (partly)

You know what? Screw other people's feelings, this post is unlocked. I feel guilty about it but I've got to pose the question 'What about my feelings?'Don't I deserve the same amount of respect as I give others? I would no way in hell stand for any of my friends to be treated like this, so why should I put up with being treated like this myself?I'd lost all respect for myself, but thankyou Spetch, you made me realise I do deserve respect.I wish it didn't feel like Harry has just fought my battles for me, but I think he has and I'm intensely grateful and know I should get over the 'I stand alone' mentality that it's taken me a lifetime to cultivate. Harry's able to say things I never could because I'm too damn concerned with hurting other people's feelings. When Harry was getting angry on my behalf, I asked him not to say anything, that I was handling it, that I wasn't angry - you really can't be angry with someone that pathetic. But Harry basically bulldozed me, told me the pathetic 'woe is me' act (conscious or not) doesn't work on him and that tough shit, I need to tell the truth, I was not allowed to cook tonight, and he was dealing with it. I feel guilty for feeling so grateful but by damn it was about time someone else took control instead of just sponging off me. I feel so tiny right now and Harry's always been larger-than-life. I'm so relieved he and Kate are together (at long last) because ignoring the controversy surrounding their pairing, it was meant to happen and they're making each other so happy. And she's so worn down by stress and illness right now that I think one of the few things keeping her up is Harry.I can't do it, I can barely look after myself right now, so it's good to know something is going right. Kate saw me kick a wall yesterday, which is how this all came about I suppose. Kinda bumped into her and appologised if it came across as 'having a go' at her about Jenny the day before, explaining that I was just trying to suss out the situation, figure out the problem them and ease the stress/friction for people. Tried to get hold of someone, couldn't and without realising it was mae-geri to the wall. She remarked that I seemed a little 'friction-full' and everything came out. There were no tears, I don't have the resources for tears, not for Mandy or Cash or Jenny, not for anyone. Opinions changed yesterday. Pooled knowledge builds a bigger picture of a situation. Harry has basically banned Cash from seeing me until I give the all-clear, and thank fuck for that, it was getting to the point where I could not deal with his mood-swings, hot-and-cold, sulks if he doesn't get what he wants, bitchiness, self-destructiveness... I've helped and cajoled and done all I can for people to the point where I was making sure they were eating, but I just can't do it anymore. If this week had continued the way the it started, and the way last week went...I was seriously considering quitting and going home. I still may, but I don't want to. I just...I'm so tired from looking after everyone, that to have all his insecurities and bad moods taken out on me too was just cutting away at the only thing keeping me going, my illusion of strength. It's just not fair. Once people become your friends they're supposed to not target you for their venom. Cruelty is something I expect from the world but my friends...no. I know I haven't chosen wrongly but it feels like I have, it's too similar to a situation so many years ago for my comfort. I don't now and never have understood it. I've never even been cruel to someone I dislike, Igo outof my way to make sure I don't, let alone anyone Icare about. What if those thoughts were right and it is only pretend? The thing is, after I had told Kate everything, we bumped into Cash and he was being his normal cuddly self - given that he's been ignoring me in public for over a week it took me by surprise. Either he'd realised something was wrong and that I was upset and was trying to make things better, or he was trying to get back in my good books so he could proposition me again. The first would be great but the second is so much more likely. God, my trust capacity has kinda gone down the drain, hasn't it? I've had to stop myself from asking a couple of the others from going and hanging out with him. I don't want him to feel left out or ostracised, but I can't and wont deal with him right now. And I know I would only get yelled at for worrying too much if I did ask. He should know he's not unwelcome, certainly not cut off or ostracised or cast out, but if he's not smart enough to figure that out then that's his problem, not mine. I've told the others I'll think I'm ready for things to go back to normal before I am, so they will have to take control of that situation. This feeling is bizarre. I'm feeling protected for the first time in like...ever. It's a scary feeling, mostly because it's not scaring me at all.

Nothing

There is nothing more I can give to you. There is nothing left of me togive. Just go away and leave me to heal.

I've been told

You are AgnosticYou're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Gretchen Ross

She.She was exquisite, with her cascade of dark hair framing a pale face, soft eyesthe hue of sorrow.She was tragic, with her soft voice, breathy and catching on tremulous fear.She was endearing, almost birdlike in the way she stood, poised for flight, flinching at words, she slipped with an awkward grace through the brash crowds of youthful arrogance.Her sorrow made her old, her fear made her young, and she was tragic and beautiful and broken and resilient. She was everything that was wrong with the world, the mark of torment and pain still clear across her being, nothing marring those features but existance itself, the perfect victim, the sacrificial lamb, and she was everything right with it, the ethereal creature that the hero rescues, the innocent that the boy with a twist in his soul felt compelled to save.She was beautiful.Even then, in a tasteful mockery of sleep, but no such sleep was marred by the thin trail of blood from the corner of those dead lips, lips that had only just learned to smile.A beauty not meant for this world, almost too fragile to survive.A beauty worth saving.And that is why. Among all the other reasons, confusions, decisions. That is why.

Donnie Darko

My last post which no-one can see because I locked it before I even started writing it was...not exactly self-indulgent. It's all true, in what I feel, but I'm aware a large part of it is one of my paranoid stages talking. I haven't had one of those in so long, in so many months, I thought I'd beaten them. Perhaps not. Well, this is just to tell me if I re-read it and get angry, that the paranoia is only ever fleeting, that anything in it that can be attributed to paranoia probably is, that I need to get over my issue with tears or crying.Thankfully Spetch phoned me and we spent about an hour and a half talking, probably over - it always feels like 20 minutes and under, and it's great to catch up but I think I worried him - he's coming up to visit to make sure I'm alright and catch up with me. I just hope I haven't worried him too much. Note to self, tidy room before he gets here so he'll have a place to sleep. I doubt anyone knows me better, although Laura and Rebekah are close candidates.See, all you need to do is ground yourself, remember who you are and where you came from, and no matter how painful something is you can deal with it.I'm not angry anymore. I don't think I have the energy for anger or tears right now. I would consider getting an early night except for the fact that Mandy is asleep on my bed, still sucking her thumb. I don't want to wake her.Watched Donnie Darko - that film brings back so many memories :D You know what memories.So yeah. Everything I felt was true. Is true. I know I'm expert at deceiving myself but in that I was honest probably why it's private locked, heheI just need to remember that not everyone is out for my downfall and people who are nice to me are not acting for camera's (you get to the point where you're checking for camera's? Get some food, get some water, and go to sleep!)Like now. Everything's shutting down, body and mind.Kwa heri

Call my bluff

Just had a manic burst of life, singing and jumping and happy. Words I said then 'All i need to do is hold true to myself, and everything will be fine, and I can make everything fine'...They seemed true and almost joyous at the time. But now they have a different ring, still true,not hollow, but defiant, angry. Yes, resilient and defiant.I'm not sure why yet but I can take guesses (though they are but guesses at the moment) but there is a core of anger and resentment making itself known. I'm feeling that quiver around my diaphram which is a prelude to it. But I'm sick of having people concerned for me, worried about me. I think unless I'm wanted or anything tonight, I'll stay in and get myself under control. I'm starting to regret being so exposed.I'm so tired. It's not even physical, although it's partly being manifested as that. I've been watching and waiting for so long,I feel the cracks forming. And I can't shore them up fast enough to deny their existance.And my bluff has been called. If I can't convince them of my capabilities, how can I convince myself. I'm not sureI want to face that part of me. I'm not sure if I belong here anymore.I've angered people by trying to do what's best, been villified for trying to ease a fraught situation, and angered people by holding to my own integrety.

Ex's and trust

I've done people a disservice in my locked posts.I'm still puzzled as to how I can be a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, and yet everyone who gets close to me tells me that all they get is locked doors and sheilds.I'm going to need to be told when I do, because I do want to trust people and have them feel trusted, I'm just struggling with the how.Last night, Cash and I decided to end it. It wasn't either of us dumping the other, we reached a mutual conclusion. I think I was the one who aired the possibility of ending it, but I'm not sure, and it was very much a 'this really isn't working' from both of us.So, less than a week after I started my first proper relationship, it ended.And do you know what? I feel so much better for it. There's a pressure that's been lifted, now I'm only expected to be a friend, now he's only expected to be a friend, from both of us and from everyone else.Within moments, we went back to normal. Within moments, we were both able to talk properly again, and I'd got one of my best friends back.I still feel guilty about the other night. I should not have shown that amount of anger, and I certainly shouldn't have been around Jenny when it came out. I shouldn't even have been around Cash, but he is more able to deal than he was.My anger is just emprty air - there's a lot of rage and hurt in it but it'll never be physically directed at anyone else. I hope they know that. If I'm ever violently angry it's something else, and it's never at people I love.I admit, I was cold and angry when he came to see me yesterday. The poor guy spent most of the time in my room as physically far from me as possible, ready to bolt if necessary. I didn't realise I was that intimidating.He cried. He actually cried because he had been so worried about me and had so badly wanted to help me, stop me from being so hurt and angry and I wouldn't let him.He was so vehement about refusing to hurt me. I think that broke through my paranoia. It was a pledge of some kind, and yeah. We're two of the core people in this safety-net we've built around everyone - we can't afford to both be in such a mess all the time.But he's right, I do shut people out when I'm scared or hurt, partly because I believe that I should deal with it on my own, usually because I don't consider turning to someone else for help an option, but usually because I'm embaressed to be seen like that.But, I'm not sure he realises this but I've not put as much trust in anyone else so quickly. Ever. And that means something. In comparison to me, I'm trusting quickly and a lot. In comparison to everyone else it's slow and frustratingly hard. I don't understand how he's been through so muchand is able to trust easier than me. Maybe he's had more opportunity to trust than I have, maybe he's more resilient, or something.Cash, if you read this and remember the night - when Mandy couldn't move after waking up, and there was shouting between me, Amber and Mandy and you left. And I turned up at your door in tears? That was me trusting you. That was me going to someone else for help for the first time. Ever. Which presumably meant that I felt I could.So as frustrating as I am,I figured you should know that. And you know what? I am going to make more of an effort to show what I really feel. Not to make you or anyone else happy, but because I can see the sense in what you said, and it's healthier for me, and healthier for all concerned. So, I know you feel bad for yelling at me the other night, but it probably helped.So, we're two people who care a lot about each other as friends. And there's a lot of physical attraction between us. And that's it. No prescription, kick any titles, we're going to be fine, and this hasn't affected our friendship now we're ex's.We're weird. How does just breaking up with someone make conversation and rapour easier?Oh yeah, and Supernatural is back again. Going to watch that later.Cash and Jenny are going to come over later and hopefully be up for a bit of self-defence training. If they feel up for it. Should phone Francis and see if he wants to come over and do a meal tonight.The rest, it seems, goes unsaid.

It's all a fallacy

My post last night deleted itself as i tried to post it. probably a good thing, I can barely remember what I wrote but I know it was full of tears and rage.You know it's not worth remembering when at the time you sat there whispering 'it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy it's all a fallacy.'But.It's all a fallacy.How can something exist when that which is it's definition isn't there?I've been told to tell the truth but truth recedes when reason is there.So, hypothetically, I define myself by strength. If I am not strong, I am not. There is nothing in me of any worth if I cannot protect myself or someone else.They told me it was ridiculous. I suppose it is, it must be. But at the same time, it still makes perfect sense, they have still been proved right, and in my head, when I was a doormat, I didn't even have friends. Somewhere along the line strength and worth became linked, and this is something I only realised yesterday.I just wish I could disappear, away from prying eyes and concerned glances and people who will take offense when I protect myself. But I can't, because then I would be doing the one thing I'm so upset about doing.I have no idea where this came from, this mood. I tried to get round it, ignore it, but dancing just highlighted it, drinking exacerbated it, and any attempts to talk just seemed to result in me stuck in my own head, and concerned looks only frustrated me because how can I answer their eyes when nothing's wrong?How can I be this selfish. I ruined their night to an extent, and there isn't even reason to it.A need for action, the blind rage and tears that made me have to leave...I could control their expression but not their existance and the worse thing about it is I have no right. I have no problems that I can discern, so the presence of this mood is troubling - it's wrong and unnecessary and the last time it happened was the first of November but who do I turn to when...now?I've been told I'm a very open person. This is something I'm prepared to agree with. It's time to close I think. I don't think...I don't know.Embers, I suppose. Ash and embers and betrayal.

Surety of self

Been back for a few days now, returned to old responsibilities and new ones. Some bad progressions of old situations, some good progressions of old situations. Australia rested me and strengthened me, i returned more sure of who I are, and perhaps less sure of who others are. Some things are harder, some easier. Jenny is staying with me tonight, she was very upset so she's takinga break tonight and we're sharing girly gossip etc, so i'll finish this entry in the morning.

Home at last

Home again, at last. The Welsh one :DYou know what? I'm Sick. Of. Travelling. The furthest I will go for a month now is the distance my feet can take me, not aided by anything modern.I'd been travelling for 40 hours and 10 minutes, and not slept in longer when I arrived back. I deliberatly didn't tell people what time I was due back, partly because I didn't know myself, and partly because I wanted to sneak past them and shower first (which didn't work, as I was spotted, and plus, couldn't wait any longer to say G'day.)Nearly ruined the entire returning-travelling walk down the steps by the way my right ankle decided that walking at right-angles was the new thing and skidded me a little painfully down 3 steps, but given the extra weight I was carrying, I luckily kept my feet and didn't damage anything!Got suitably attacked by MedSoc, in all their weapon-and-armour-decked glory. Before I knew it, Laura had wrested one of my bags from me, and I guess I knew then that I was home. Michael joined us, having arrived about half an hour earlier, and by way of greeting lifted me bodily from my feet, travelling bag and all. I've missed him so much, with his sweet, simple way of expressing affection.Cashand Mandy were in her room - now way I could sneak past, she had her door open, sohyper-excited greetings were exchanged in our tiny corridor with me just accepting that I was off balance - luckily she held me up because it would have been a turtle effect if not. Cash has dyed his hair a kind of deep red, almost a garnet hue. It suits him.I think I was quite manic - you get tired enough, you end up over-excited and chaos is kinda mandatory, then there's the downwards spiral.There's a fragile kind of peace betweenmyself and a couple of them.The way it feels, we're trying to figure out how 'normal' works. I think I'm acting normal, but equally there have been a few strange looks so I'm wondering if I'm more transparant than I thought. I don't know how to maintain my guard and not cause hurt. I guess i'm just...waiting, and watching, easing back into it. I'm not sure how things stand, but I came back more sure of myself. less sure of everyone and everything else, but that's the way of it i guess - I've been alone for 3 weeks, kind of a given.Mandy cooked (not fajhitas). It was good but i have no appetite. It seems my utensils have been used ad nausium.I can certainly say I did not expect to come home and within a few hours be helping a friend shave their legs in the sink. A male friend. I'll post pictures soon. Might add more to this entry.

Last day...

in Australia. Bethan and I fly back home tomorrow. To what, I don't know. Will things have changed? Will I have forgotten anything? Will they have? I'm not sure what to expect, I'm not sure what's expected of me. I...am myself again,I think. I've drawn in all these pieces of who I am am forced them back together, and I don't intend to be scattered so far again. It will require strength to go against what I'm urged, but I don't think it's ever been said I am not strong. Time to see if I'm strong enough.I desperatly look forward to going home, but to which home even my subconscious cannot tell.I keep looking forward to curling up on my sofa with my dogs or walking to the Chinese with Laura or Ben,or the long-running cup-of-tea? banter Spetch and I have,and the bombardment of pet-hates Rebekah lovingly plagues me with whenever I visit.But also I look forward to tussling with Harry with him leaving empty coffee cups all over the place,or mock-scowling at Michael when he gets mud on my bedor teaching Cash how to fight or trying to freak out Francis.Oki, my journey, which I'm totally not panicking about at all...Perth (3:30pm) to Singapore (8:45pm)Singapore (11:47pm) to Heathrow (5:30am)Heathrow Terminal 4 (anytime til 7:55am - hope to get an earlier train if possible, knock an hour or two off the travelling day)to Cardiff (latest arrival 11:47)From there, I can either wait for the 6:15pm bus, or figure out the trains to Carmarthen and then the bus to Lampeter. By my calculations, the latest I'll arrive is 9:09pm, the earliest (unless we can get away from London sooner) will be...a bit earlier, lol.Gah! Apparently the simple requests of 'please don't close any of the windows i'm using on the computer' and 'please don't read my journal' are ones too hard for my fathers delicate sense of ...i don't know. Either way, he just threw all his toys out the pram, hissed "Confirm your own damn flights then" and stormed off. Knowing full well I'm unable to, as I dont have the information, and no way to get the information.But you know what?I find thatI care very little - he's going to confirm them anyway, even if only for Bethan's sake. He'll then try and get me to ask for details, but really? I don't want and don't have to play this game, so I wont. I'm sick of people taking my good nature for granted. Thinking that they can get away with treating me like something less than worthless because they know they're safe and they know I'll pretty much forgive if an appology is offered.Maybe it's time for me to stop listening to appologies.Besides, leaving here tomorrow, don't have to see him forthree months or longer if I don't want to.I can feel where the anger is supposed to be, would normally be, but somehow, it's just contempt now. It hardly hurts at all. What happens if I lose all respect?Sheesh, i hate travelling. I'm sick of my family but sorry to leave them, can't wait to return to Lampeter but nervous about what I'll find, worried that Tash and Mandy have misinterpretted me when I voiced my concerns about Spetch...you know what, it doesn't matter if they have - i know what I meant about him, and the rest will have to wait.

Poem; The Treachery of Tears

Fingertips to wounding lipsAnd a soft farewellNothing of your presence now'cept the treachery of tearsAndI did not watch you goLeaving as a shadowAnd who will you be holding at the turning of the year?At the turning of the year? It wont be meNot me, not me,And that night we shared togetherWho then did your mindsee?Not me, not meIt's never me.Broken whenI found youThough you denied it then and ever stillLong before I struck youMy hand hurt naught but gossamer disguiseSo much pain in one shell of fleshBy her, from her abandmentBy him, from his abandomentThe first was second, from fading loveThe second was first, from hand of deathWere you broken when we parted?Time will have to tellButI've run this pathI know this danceI've seen this mummers farce beforeAnd ours is a twisted, tortured whirlSame tune, same steps, our hands entwinedBut our hearts beat out of timeAnd the music stops,The silence reigns,I think thatI can breathe againBut then the dreaded strings are pluckedAnd I have no choice but to ask"Would you dance, sir, with me once more?"

Fremantle

Woken early hours of this morning by a cockroach crawling across my neck. Not impressed. Not scared by insects, just...would rather not be woken by one at 3am scuttling across my sleeping flesh...Hehe, remind me to freak out my friends with that image.Went to Fremantle today. Absolutly NOWHERE can i find that beautiful jewellry made by dipping eucalptus leaves and nuts in moultne metal and laquering the finished product to prevent it from oxidising. Am most put out. Instead, got Harry a necklace witha crocodile tooth on it, and two of my guys a bottle opener each made of kangaroo scrotum. Not sure who to give them to yet - Michael, Cash or Francis. Haven't got anything else for Michael, although could get him a bottle of Whiskey, was thinking of a bottle of something for Francis - it's his birthday the day after i get back, and i have something else in mind for Cash but haven't managed to find it either.Got a couple of toys for Zach and Josh though, and a book for myself.Ben sent me thisI also wrote a poem over the last few days, compiled the bits into a rough draft yesterday, will revise and repost it here methinks.Old faces appearing in my dreams again.Lampeter news, Mandy's undecided about coming back, and Kate and Harry are now together.

Return from the river. Dolphins.

Today was a shedload of travelling, and catching up on my updates. We did however, go and see some dolphins - a mother and her 2 month old calf with a sharkscar on it's right flank, poor little thing. They swam within two feet of our bare, shivering legs - the world's been scorching since we got here, and yet most of today was spent in torrential rain. I remeber the last time we saw dolphons in Australia - i was 13 and it brushed against my legs. Their skin is like wet rubber, and the sand was coarse from broken shell from Shell Beach. Slightly morbid, there was a dolphin foetus in a glass jar at the centre - a pregnant one had died. Nothing else all that exciting.Except the locusts. Hundreds of hatchlings darken the ground. Insane. Just...insane.

Craididlyidlyaig

Just found this on Craig's myspace. it made me laugh."I just spent nearly 5 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong with this computer before realising the mouse was upside down. I might be drunk."